Welcome to Soulful Sunday #11 for March 26, 2023.
If you’re new to The Power of Change, welcome, and thanks for spending a few minutes of your day with me.
What’s new this week:
I. 6 Mental Shifts To Overcome Betrayal
II. Master Your Monday - A mindful tip to help you start the week.
III. Vision For You - An idea or image to help you create a vision of your life.
6 Mental Shifts To Overcome Betrayal
I began The Power of Change to help you live your best life. One way I can do that is by sharing what I’ve learned through my personal experiences and from the many coaches, mentors, and counselors I’ve worked with over the years.
I wrote about becoming ill when I was 26 and the sadness of losing my career. That experience taught me resilience.
I wrote about the process of grief and the loss of my father 18 months ago. That experience taught me to cherish my loved ones and never take them for granted.
One experience I’ve not yet written about has also been a great teacher - betrayal.
It’s a personal story I hope will help those who are struggling to move forward after a betrayal.
What is betrayal?
Betrayal is being harmed by the intentional action or omission of a trusted person, a violation of a person's trust or confidence.
The most common forms of betrayal are:
disloyalty
infidelity
dishonesty
The hallmark of betrayal, as the definition suggests, is the intentional action of a trusted person. It’s personal. It’s what makes it so hard.
When betrayal happens to you, it can be traumatic and life-altering.
Years ago, I was betrayed by my husband of 7 years. When the betrayal initially began is unknown but matters little. I knew he was being dishonest and disloyal. His behavior changed in many ways and there were many obvious signs. Attempts to discuss the issue were always rebuked.
Within a year, the person I thought I knew was no longer a part of my marriage. Instead of addressing the elephant in the room, he denied any wrongdoing despite the evidence. He then became hostile and verbally abusive.
I became fearful for my safety and the safety of my young son. Something had to change quickly.
Things went from bad to worse within a matter of weeks. Rather than continuing the counseling we had agreed to, he handed me the business card of a well-known divorce attorney and told me to find one. More threats led to the tipping point, and within a few days, he was gone, and I changed the locks on my door.
The divorce took two years to finalize. The full extent of the betrayal became apparent during that time. When I thought we were trying to work through our issues, he had been plotting his departure.
For many years I found it impossible to comprehend the extent of his infidelity, dishonesty, and disloyalty. Still, I vowed to move on and move past the betrayal.
The initial stage of anger turned to relief, but it didn’t remove the sadness I felt for my son, who was too young to understand what was happening.
While I focused on my son’s well-being and protecting him at all costs, I knew I had to unpack the complex feelings of betrayal to recover.
It would take several years to overcome the betrayal fully, but the steps I took initially helped me process the hurt and regain my faith in something better.
6 Mental Shifts To Overcome Betrayal
Regain faith in yourself.
The first person you have to trust is yourself. Develop a deep, unbreakable bond with your abilities and self-worth. Make a promise to yourself daily to trust that you will overcome the challenge. You can’t learn to trust anyone if you don’t trust yourself.
Detach from anyone you don't trust.
Betrayal by someone close to you often leads to reevaluating other relationships around you. If you feel someone is not trustworthy, remove them from your life. Be selective about the people you surround yourself with, and choose those that believe in you. Putting your faith in them reminds you there are still good people you can trust.
Grieve the loss, but promise yourself you’ll do everything to move forward.
Take small daily steps to regain your footing. Some days you’ll take steps backward. During those times, give yourself the grace to accept the hurt and acknowledge that you’re doing your best.
Counter negative feelings with positive ones.
Counter self-pity by helping others. Counter regret by building self-esteem. Counter anger with acceptance. Learn to counter your fears with thoughts of peace and a new beginning.
Learn to listen and trust your intuition.
During my divorce, I realized I missed important signs while dating my husband and vowed not to let it happen again. If you’re not in tune with your intuition, a meditation practice can help. If you’re faithful, consider asking for signs and be ready to see them when they appear. When you have a nagging feeling or an uneasiness, explore the reason behind it and take action when necessary. Acting on faith or intuition rather than fear leads to better decisions.
Create a vision for a different future.
Visualizing an ideal future despite a current challenge is one of the most critical parts of self-development. While it may be difficult to do initially, imagine a day when you’re surrounded by people you love and trust. The images you create in your mind become projections of a reality in the future. Be mindful and choose peaceful, loving thoughts.
Learning to pivot
When a plan goes sideways, learning to pivot is critical. I learned this after my illness and reminded myself of it during the divorce. I never expected to be a divorced single parent fighting a chronic disease, but that’s where I found myself.
I had two choices. I could give up and succumb to the challenges or fight and build a new life. Initially, I fought for my son, but soon, I fought for myself too.
I put one foot in front of the other and looked forward. I didn’t fixate on the past or what might have been. I was thankful to have peace in my life, despite starting over.
I began every morning by reaffirming my belief in myself and the future. I trusted that I would find happiness and joy and provide my son with a loving, safe home. I learned to escape the self-doubt and lingering thoughts of my failed marriage.
Betrayal is one of life’s hardest lessons, but learning to trust after a betrayal is possible. Start with trusting yourself. When you’re ready to trust others, you’ll know. If you’re not ready, give yourself the time and the space you need.
Until then, give yourself the credit you deserve for every step you’ve taken.
II. Master Your Monday - A quote that inspires or makes you think.
It is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.
-Cheryl Strayed
Cheryl Strayed’s memoir "Wild" was a runaway hit. It was so popular that it ended up being made into a film starring Reese Witherspoon. Its narrative followed the author’s decision, after the death of her mother, to run away from her life and marriage and walk the Pacific Crest Trail alone. During that trek, she decided to leave the difficulties of her past behind and start over, changing her last name. Because she couldn't go on as before, Cheryl strayed and went on as she never had.
III. Vision - An idea or image to help you create a vision for your life.
“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
-Zora Neale Hurston
In Zora Neale Hurston’s 1937 novel “Their Eyes Were Watching God,” the main character, Janie, recounts the story of her journey to self-confidence. Throughout Janie’s tribulations, she learns that the reasons behind some events don’t make themselves known immediately.
Like Janie, my experiences have taught me to trust that the meaning of situations will reveal itself in time. When you’re first thrust into a confusing situation, it may be impossible to see a reason, but in time, it often appears when you least expect it. It’s then I believe that you’re closer to becoming the person you were meant to be.
If you’re new to The Power of Change, you may wonder, why Soulful Sunday?
I began The Power of Change to explore the potential to transform your life in meaningful ways by harnessing a power you may not know you have.
Being mindful of your life is the first step.
What better way to start the week than giving attention to the present moment and observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment? Being mindful helps you focus on what’s important today and throughout the week.
If you enjoyed this edition, drop a comment and share it with a friend who may find it helpful.
Interested in learning more about a topic I’ve discussed recently? Let me know!
Betrayal is one of the most difficult things to overcome. Especially when it's someone who you put your full trust in, such as a life partner. Your tips to overcome this experience are very helpful and I wish I had them when I needed them.