Welcome to Soulful Sunday #16 for April 30, 2023.
At the beginning of 2023, I challenged readers to consider a mindfulness practice, even if it was something they had never contemplated. I offered five easy steps to begin living a mindful way of life.
Before delving into today’s topic of self-awareness, I want to revisit a few key points about mindfulness because they’re connected.
Mindfulness is giving attention to the present moment and observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Mindfulness is:
· Taking a break
· Finding peace
· Cultivating calm
Mindfulness is also the first step in becoming more self-aware.
Why is self-awareness important?
According to Daniel Goleman, author of the book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ, self-awareness is the key to emotional intelligence.
The better we know ourselves, the more likely we are to make better decisions.
Consider you have a decision to make about a job change, a move to a new city, or maybe you’re contemplating getting married, having a child, or changing careers. They’re all significant decisions that will affect your life for years. You want to make the best decision for yourself now and in the future.
How do you approach the choices you face, and what questions do you ask yourself to make those decisions?
The answers may come more easily if you are mindful and focus on improving self-awareness.
To manage our feelings and emotions in a manner that benefits us, we need first to have a solid grasp of what we feel, why we feel the way we do, and how those feelings determine our actions.
The Dalai Lama said, “To have greater self-awareness or understanding means to have a better grasp of reality.”
I think he was on to something.
Self-awareness remains a buzzword for self-improvement coaches, business leaders, and anyone looking to change their lives. Self-awareness is a stepping stone to self-improvement.
What is self-awareness?
A large-scale scientific study conducted by Tasha Eurich, Ph.D., an organizational psychologist, researcher, and the New York Times bestselling author of Insight sought to define self-awareness and how to develop it. The results revealed many surprising thoughts about self-awareness.
Most notably, the study found that even though most people think they’re self-aware, researchers estimated that only 10%–15% of the people studied actually fit the criteria.
Researchers also concluded that there are two types of self-awareness:
1. The first type, internal self-awareness, represents how clearly we see our values, passions, thoughts, feelings, strengths, weaknesses, and impact on others.
Internal self-awareness was associated with higher job and relationship satisfaction and overall happiness.
2. The second type, external self-awareness, represents how other people view us in terms of the factors listed above. Those who know how others see them are more skilled at showing empathy and taking others’ perspectives.
Those considered the most highly self-aware were actively focused on balancing both types.
Introspection doesn’t always improve self-awareness
Another surprising result of the study was the assumption that being introspective— examining the causes of our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors — improves self-awareness.
Instead, the study found that introspective people were less self-aware. But it concluded that it wasn’t introspection that was ineffective; rather, most people were just doing it incorrectly.
Asking Why
When we want to understand our feelings or emotions, the first questions that many ask is, “Why am I feeling this way?” “Why did I get angry?” “Why do I feel insecure when I’m in that situation?”
It turns out that “why” was an ineffective self-awareness question of those in the study because we often can’t access the many unconscious thoughts and feelings we’re searching for. When we can’t process the unconscious thoughts at play, we often create answers that feel true but may often be wrong.
For example, after an uncharacteristic outburst at an employee, a new manager may assume that it happened because she isn’t cut out for management when the real reason was a bad case of low blood sugar.
Another negative consequence of asking why — especially when trying to explain an undesired outcome — is that it often led to unproductive negative thoughts.
For example, an employee receives a bad performance review and asks, Why did I get such a bad review? In this case, they’re likely to focus on their fears or insecurities rather than considering an assessment of their strengths and weaknesses.
Questions to ask to become more self-aware
If why isn’t the right question to ask to become more self-aware, is there a better one? It turns out there was. When the research team scoured interview transcripts of highly self-aware people to see if they approached introspection differently, they found a clear pattern.
The word “why” appeared fewer than 150 times, but “what” appeared more than 1,000 times.
It seems “What” questions help you stay objective, focus on the future, and empower you to act on new thoughts and insights. “What” questions also decrease negative thought processes.
For example, one study member interviewed hated his job in the entertainment industry. Instead of asking why he hated his job and felt so terrible, he asked himself, “What are the situations that make me feel terrible, and what do they have in common?”
By making this small change, he realized he’d never be happy in his current career, which gave him the courage to pursue a new one.
The study concluded that those who focus on building both internal and external self-awareness and who ask what questions instead of why can learn to see themselves more clearly — and reap the many rewards of increased self-awareness.
Learning to become self-aware is a journey. It starts with mindfulness and leads to the ability to examine what we feel and how those feelings determine our actions.
By asking the right questions, we can better manage our feelings and emotions in a way that benefits us now and in the future.
The important thing to remember throughout the process is that no matter how much progress we make on the journey of self-awareness and self-improvement, there’s always more to learn.
Why Soulful Sunday?
I began The Power of Change to explore the potential to transform your life in meaningful ways.
Being mindful of your life is the first step. It helps you focus on what’s important today and throughout the week.
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Like you, Mark I had read about this study years ago and found it so intriguing. When I put it into practice I realized what a difference that shift makes.
Can't help but think that I have read a psychology article somewhere that discussed the "why" and "what" questions some time ago. So refreshing to have come across it again. Thanks for making me remember it again.