@Tracy Mansolillo – thank you for sharing a piece of your story, along with your family’s! :)
I’ve often reflected on what makes or breaks relationships over time. While qualities like care, respect, kindness and yes, attraction are important, one of the most defining differences I’ve seen is whether a couple can navigate life’s inevitable speed bumps without turning them into mountains or impassable terrain especially without resorting to blame.
It takes a certain level of emotional intelligence to openly acknowledge not just what’s bothering us about the other person but also the part we play in the dynamic as well. Many people are fairly practiced at identifying what they don’t like in their partner’s behavior or perspective. Far fewer are equally skilled at owning their contribution to ongoing struggles. That mutual self-awareness is what often creates the space for growth, connection and repair.
I believe kindness and consideration toward others can take you far in life but the ability to discuss our own role in an ongoing struggle behind closed doors and with that same kindness and consideration is a skill that often takes decades to develop. Done well it brings us closer. Do it poorly and it can quietly drive a wedge between us.
Such a great topic Tracy thank you. I have been married for over 22 years and love marriage. When I think about emotional intelligence in my marriage it means having the awareness, empathy, and communication skills to truly understand my husbands feelings, deeply listen to his needs, and unspoken signals, and to respond with compassion rather than reaction. It involves being able to manage my own emotions during conflict, listen without defensiveness, and remain open and connected even when life gets hard. Over the years, emotional intelligence helps build trust, deepen intimacy, and navigate the inevitable changes that come with time, growth, and challenge. It's less about always getting it right, and more about being willing to stay emotionally present, repair when needed, and choose love over ego ❤️
Tracy, What an insightful investigation! So many people are unhappy in relationships and understanding emotional intelligence could really help. I could easily identify the emotional intelligence skills from your list that missing in my marriage and which likely explain why it ended in divorce. Emotional intelligence helps us with all our relationships. It's such a valuable skill to develop.
Thank you, Sandra. It’s been an interesting investigation for sure and I’ve learned a lot in the process after speaking to people on both sides of the coin. I’m so glad it resonated with you. Thank you for sharing.
Relationships, marriages - divorce. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were life-long married couples. One generation before them, on my paternal side, a divorce. My father has 11 siblings, only one divorce amongst those. My mother, five siblings, only one married a perviously married spouse. No divorces. I have four siblings, all but one have been through one or more divorces. Personally I have been married for fifty years - two wives, one divorce. Twenty-seven for the first, and presently passing through twenty-three on the second - and last!
I have two children with my first spouse. Both were adults when the divorce entered our own family for the first time. Our daughter was married with three small children. Our son, unmarried. Since our son has had two children, and a divorce from their mother. Our daughter has also experienced divorce.
Marriage and divorce, only from my personal empirical experience both quite simply explained: it takes two to have a marriage, only one to effect a divorce.
Emotional intelligence, and the ability to share are pivotal in a successful marriage. Self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills seem to be key traits for not only survivability of a marriage, but success in life.
My first marriage’s demise is best explained by David Buss’, PhD mate switching hypothesis. My wife of twenty-seven years found someone she perceived as more compatible as a companion and spouse. She divorced me, married him.
Similarly my present wife’s first husband ended their marriage under similar circumstances. Her second spouse prematurely passed away. I am her third.
We were both very seasoned marriage practitioners when we decided to give it a go, once again. Simply the best decision either of us made at that juncture of our lives.
Thank you for sharing your experience Keith. This line says it all: “it takes two to have a marriage, only one to effect a divorce.” That was my experience. I was in for the long run but my spouse was not. Congrats on a successful second marriage! Many don’t find it a second or third time.
Good luck on your recovery. If it helps, remember it was him, not you who did this.
It took time and healing to work through the personal devastation wreaked upon me, and the family we created. I recovered. Our family - steroetypical mess.
Someone is out there. Someone who will cherish you and your companionship who is just right for you.
Thank you, Keith! I spent many years healing from the devastation that was caused and I’ve made peace with what happened- I know it wasn’t me and I did everything I could have. Still hopeful in what comes next✨
It was the same with my grandparents, parents, and all my aunts and uncles, and it begs the question of what has happened since then. I suspect it's the culmination of several key factors leading to the societal decline in EQ. I am hopeful for a societal return to prioritizing EQ in all stages of our educational system but in families as well. We have to because if we keep going the way we are, it will all come to a very dark end.
Beautiful. Especially this: “Patience and kindness are generally not associated with emotional intelligence traits, but they should be. Because without them, the traits that make you aware of another’s need become misaligned.”
Your contribution to couples sustaining their marriages with this article will be significant. ❤️ 🙏
James, Thank you, as always, for reading and sharing. It means so much that it resonated with you. And I hope it does for other couples struggling to see their way through.
Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing about your family, Fang. I’m glad this resonated with you and that you inherited your grandparent’s empathy. We can all work on patience 💕
@Tracy Mansolillo – thank you for sharing a piece of your story, along with your family’s! :)
I’ve often reflected on what makes or breaks relationships over time. While qualities like care, respect, kindness and yes, attraction are important, one of the most defining differences I’ve seen is whether a couple can navigate life’s inevitable speed bumps without turning them into mountains or impassable terrain especially without resorting to blame.
It takes a certain level of emotional intelligence to openly acknowledge not just what’s bothering us about the other person but also the part we play in the dynamic as well. Many people are fairly practiced at identifying what they don’t like in their partner’s behavior or perspective. Far fewer are equally skilled at owning their contribution to ongoing struggles. That mutual self-awareness is what often creates the space for growth, connection and repair.
I believe kindness and consideration toward others can take you far in life but the ability to discuss our own role in an ongoing struggle behind closed doors and with that same kindness and consideration is a skill that often takes decades to develop. Done well it brings us closer. Do it poorly and it can quietly drive a wedge between us.
Such a great topic Tracy thank you. I have been married for over 22 years and love marriage. When I think about emotional intelligence in my marriage it means having the awareness, empathy, and communication skills to truly understand my husbands feelings, deeply listen to his needs, and unspoken signals, and to respond with compassion rather than reaction. It involves being able to manage my own emotions during conflict, listen without defensiveness, and remain open and connected even when life gets hard. Over the years, emotional intelligence helps build trust, deepen intimacy, and navigate the inevitable changes that come with time, growth, and challenge. It's less about always getting it right, and more about being willing to stay emotionally present, repair when needed, and choose love over ego ❤️
I think there's a lot of new age thinking/mindset to changes everything in our current world.
Tracy, What an insightful investigation! So many people are unhappy in relationships and understanding emotional intelligence could really help. I could easily identify the emotional intelligence skills from your list that missing in my marriage and which likely explain why it ended in divorce. Emotional intelligence helps us with all our relationships. It's such a valuable skill to develop.
Thank you, Sandra. It’s been an interesting investigation for sure and I’ve learned a lot in the process after speaking to people on both sides of the coin. I’m so glad it resonated with you. Thank you for sharing.
Relationships, marriages - divorce. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were life-long married couples. One generation before them, on my paternal side, a divorce. My father has 11 siblings, only one divorce amongst those. My mother, five siblings, only one married a perviously married spouse. No divorces. I have four siblings, all but one have been through one or more divorces. Personally I have been married for fifty years - two wives, one divorce. Twenty-seven for the first, and presently passing through twenty-three on the second - and last!
I have two children with my first spouse. Both were adults when the divorce entered our own family for the first time. Our daughter was married with three small children. Our son, unmarried. Since our son has had two children, and a divorce from their mother. Our daughter has also experienced divorce.
Marriage and divorce, only from my personal empirical experience both quite simply explained: it takes two to have a marriage, only one to effect a divorce.
Emotional intelligence, and the ability to share are pivotal in a successful marriage. Self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills seem to be key traits for not only survivability of a marriage, but success in life.
My first marriage’s demise is best explained by David Buss’, PhD mate switching hypothesis. My wife of twenty-seven years found someone she perceived as more compatible as a companion and spouse. She divorced me, married him.
Similarly my present wife’s first husband ended their marriage under similar circumstances. Her second spouse prematurely passed away. I am her third.
We were both very seasoned marriage practitioners when we decided to give it a go, once again. Simply the best decision either of us made at that juncture of our lives.
Thank you for sharing your experience Keith. This line says it all: “it takes two to have a marriage, only one to effect a divorce.” That was my experience. I was in for the long run but my spouse was not. Congrats on a successful second marriage! Many don’t find it a second or third time.
Good luck on your recovery. If it helps, remember it was him, not you who did this.
It took time and healing to work through the personal devastation wreaked upon me, and the family we created. I recovered. Our family - steroetypical mess.
Someone is out there. Someone who will cherish you and your companionship who is just right for you.
Thank you, Keith! I spent many years healing from the devastation that was caused and I’ve made peace with what happened- I know it wasn’t me and I did everything I could have. Still hopeful in what comes next✨
It was the same with my grandparents, parents, and all my aunts and uncles, and it begs the question of what has happened since then. I suspect it's the culmination of several key factors leading to the societal decline in EQ. I am hopeful for a societal return to prioritizing EQ in all stages of our educational system but in families as well. We have to because if we keep going the way we are, it will all come to a very dark end.
Agreed, Jim. I’m hopeful as my son is very much following in the footsteps of my father and embracing EQ and the heritage of our family.
Beautiful. Especially this: “Patience and kindness are generally not associated with emotional intelligence traits, but they should be. Because without them, the traits that make you aware of another’s need become misaligned.”
Your contribution to couples sustaining their marriages with this article will be significant. ❤️ 🙏
James, Thank you, as always, for reading and sharing. It means so much that it resonated with you. And I hope it does for other couples struggling to see their way through.
Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing about your family, Fang. I’m glad this resonated with you and that you inherited your grandparent’s empathy. We can all work on patience 💕