Happiness or Joy: Which Do You Choose?
“Evolution has hard-wired the brain for spiritual experience and
the most dramatic spiritual experience is joy.
- George Vaillant, M.D.
When my newborn child was placed in my arms, I felt pure joy. The first time he smiled at me, my heart expanded.
Do you recall the first time you experienced happiness and joy?
As a child, you experienced joy when a loved one entered a room or wrapped you in a bear hug. When you cuddled with your favorite stuffed animal, you understood what it meant to be happy.
For animal lovers, there’s no greater joy than the feeling of a wiggly puppy on your lap or a kitten nestled under your chin.
Moments of happiness and joy occur all around us.
Joy or Happiness
Mystics, those with powers of receptivity that are particularly acute, have linked joy to connection with a power greater than themselves.
If you don’t believe in the existence of mystics or their powers, consider this definition of joy:
A long-lasting state of contentment, an inner peace regardless of external circumstances.
Joy is different than happiness.
Happiness is a pleasurable feeling brought on by external influences. It’s fleeting, often temporary, and typically sparked by an event that brings a sense of excitement.
You may not discern the subtle differences between joy and happiness, but what most people truly desire is joy.
Yet much less is written about joy and how to obtain it, while happiness dominates conversations, podcasts, and scientific studies.
George Valliant, M.D., a Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of Spiritual Evolution: How We Are Wired for Faith, Hope, and Love, says joy is the least-studied emotion:
“For the last 20 years, emotion has been an unwelcome guest at the table of scholarship. We treat joy as secret, dirty, and awful, the way the Victorians treated sex. Happiness is largely cognitive; it’s a state of mind, not an emotion. That’s why social scientists love to study happiness. Happiness is tame.”
If happiness is ‘tame,’ then is joy blissful contentment, and an overall satisfaction with life?
In Spiritual Evolution, Valliant explains spirituality resides in our uniquely human brain design and the capacity for emotions like love, hope, joy, forgiveness, and compassion. He describes how joy and happiness activate different aspects of our nervous system.
Happiness, he notes, activates the sympathetic nervous system, the part of the autonomic nervous system that stimulates the “flight or fight” response. In contrast, joy stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls the “rest and digest” functions.
Valliant adds:
“While we can laugh from either joy or happiness, we weep only from grief or joy….
Without the pain of farewell, there is no joy of reunion.”
I hadn’t considered this level of distinction, but Valliant is regarded as an expert in human development. He spent 35 years as the Director of the Study of Adult Development at the Harvard University Health Service, the study that charted the lives of 824 men and women for over 60 years.
While he articulated the emotion of joy and the parts of the brain activated by happiness and joy, he didn’t write specifically about the differences between the two.
Though often used synonymously, joy and happiness are indeed different.
Author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle suggested the difference:
“Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within.”
-Eckhart Tolle
Hence, happiness is a positive, pleasurable feeling from something happening to you; joy is the serene internal feeling you may describe if you’re “happy for no reason.”
How do you obtain joy?
“No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it.
Those who seek find.”
-C.S. Lewis
C.S. Lewis suggests joy is found. But what he most likely meant is:
Joy is acquired.
Joy does not magically appear.
It’s found with and through effort.
Brené Brown, a research professor at The University of Houston, has spent two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She talks about the effort required to obtain joy.
“We simply cannot know joy without embracing vulnerability — and the way to do that is to focus on gratitude, not fear.”
If you’re unfamiliar with Brown, you may want to learn more. She made a lasting impression on me and millions of others more than a decade ago.
Her 2010 TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the world’s top five most-viewed TED talks, with more than 64 million views. She’s the author of six New York Times bestselling books and hosts two award-winning podcasts.
In her TED talk, Brown explains that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, that people possess.
In a 2013 interview with Oprah Winfrey, she discussed vulnerability and joy in more detail. It was instrumental in changing my thoughts about my past, my purpose, and my path forward.
At the time, I was in the midst of a contentious divorce and struggling to get a handle on a health condition that had upended my life. I had a beautiful child that made my life worth living, but I didn’t understand the meaning of joy and didn’t believe I possessed it.
That has since changed thanks to a transformational journey and willingness to express my vulnerability.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the past.”
-Brené Brown
Becoming Vulnerable
Deciding to write about my past: the shame of losing my career due to a health condition I could not control, the end of my marriage due to my ex’s infidelity, and the dismissal by physicians who suggested my illness was a figment of my imagination, was the ultimate lesson in vulnerability. Ask any writer who shares their words; I’m sure they’ll agree.
I’ve equated the decision to share my story as more than a lesson - an advanced degree in life, if you will, with required classes including overcoming adversity and the tools needed to survive, building resilience one step at a time, embracing mindfulness, finding your purpose, and cultivating a joyful life.
During the interview with Oprah, Brown explained what her years of research confirmed.
There is no joy without gratitude.
To be clear, what Brown meant by gratitude was not an attitude or the idea of gratitude but a gratitude practice.
I wrote about three ways to train your brain and practice more gratitude in an article published on Medium.
Here’s an excerpt that outlines those ways and the benefits of each during a life-changing event:
… “The more I expanded my gratitude practice, the greater the shifts became.
1. Notice your surroundings
By practicing mindfulness, I became present. The more present I was, the more I noticed the good surrounding me. I was more aware of my thoughts and feelings, noticing small details throughout my day that I had overlooked.
2. Practice gratitude
It was easy to be thankful for good times and happy events: landing your dream job or buying your first home. It was far more difficult to have gratitude, particularly when you’re experiencing challenging times.
When I could no longer head out on my much-loved runs, I learned instead to enjoy the short walks I was able to manage. I turned my attention to simple events in a day. I stopped looking back at what I’d lost and focused on what I had.
3. Share your gratitude
Most of us are guilty of taking for granted those closest to us. After becoming ill, my parents were a tremendous support. I appreciated everything they did, but I may not have always told them how much their support meant to me. By practicing gratitude, I learned not to miss those opportunities. I understood the importance of the time I spent with them instead of dwelling on the loss of my independence during that time.
Gratitude is an awareness that, while plenty of things are beyond your control, there’s always something good at your center.
My gratitude practice helped me uncover the ‘good’ and the hidden blessings during a challenging time.
Cultivating Joy
To be joyful, or full of joy, is to embrace life despite — or maybe because of — the inevitable pain or sorrow accompanying it.
Joyful people understand that sadness and anguish are a part of life, but their joy provides the capacity to overcome fear in spite of the challenge or loss.
In a culture that chases the extraordinary: wealth, influence, or success, noticing and embracing life’s simple pleasures is overlooked and dismissed.
But it’s in those ordinary moments that joy is cultivated.
During her interviews with people who experienced trauma and horrific loss, Brown noted that the survivors didn’t talk about the extraordinary moments they missed with their loved ones. They talked about missing the ordinary ones.
A parent who lost a child missed the sound of her children fighting.
A wife whose husband died suddenly missed the sound of the door opening at the end of his day.
Joyful moments aren’t loud and splashy. Often, they’re not visible to others.
Joyful moments live in your heart.
They become a part of your soul.
By embracing vulnerability and developing a gratitude practice, you’re more apt to find and cultivate joy, carry it with you, and turn to it during your darkest days. Becoming joyful is a process of developing self-awareness and committing to self-improvement.
If you choose a joyful life, start small.
Notice your surroundings.
Write down what you see, feel, and hear.
Lean into the ordinary.
Stop chasing the extraordinary.
Enjoy happiness, but cultivate joy.
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Until next week, be mindful and stay safe.
Before reading your article I mused on my definitions of happiness and joy: happiness more fleeting, joy felt at my core.
Then I wondered - I've been trying to get on to a Chief Happiness Officer course for around 2-3 years. When I mention it to people, there's often a raising of eyebrows followed by a 'that must be nonsense' out-breath masking a guffaw. But what if it were called Chief Joy Officer? Would that change the response?
Tracy — thank you for unpacking the clear distinctions between happiness and joy. It is powerful, at least to me, to reflect on the fact that it is the most ordinary of things that bring us joy. Yesterday, I held my new granddaughter for the first time—she smiled at me—and in that moment I knew what a ‘bundle of joy’ truly meant!