5 Things to Master to Become Resilient
How overcoming adversity helped me discover my innate power.
At 26, I developed a chronic illness that dozens of specialists could not name or treat.
My life changed overnight.
I had no idea what lay ahead.
The story of how I overcame adversity is based on resiliency and my will to survive. In fact, during the past two decades, being resilient was the key to overcoming every challenge I faced.
What is Resilience?
Resilience is the ability to recover from difficult, harrowing experiences or unimaginable misfortune. It’s the ability to adapt to a situation and move forward.
If you’ve lived through difficult times and come out on the other side, it’s most likely due to resiliency — the key to overcoming adversity.
The most difficult part of my experience was the uncertainty of my unexpected illness.
For years I suffered from debilitating symptoms that impacted every aspect of my daily life and left me wondering if I would survive. Specialists were unable to help.
Worse was the fact that over time, the validity of my illness was questioned by those who had no answers.
I remember wondering at the time if the person that was diagnosed with cancer was being questioned about the validity of their symptoms.
The answers to those questions and the key to understanding my illness and how to treat it would take two decades to uncover. In the meantime, I had to survive.
Resiliency carried me through the trauma of my unexpected illness and a medical system that dismissed me because they didn’t know better.
Being resilient enabled me to keep going, and keep fighting for answers. I met so many patients along the way that were suffering but had given up and stopped looking for answers and treatments.
I never gave up.
What makes someone resilient?
Studies into trauma and resiliency have found that what makes someone resilient is a combination of factors including genetic factors, personal history, and the environment in which they live.
Soon after the pandemic began, there was much discussion about the physical and emotional effects the pandemic was having on people of all ages. Being isolated from family, friends, school, and the fear of the virus that was killing thousands every day was taking its toll on the well-being of people around the globe.
A 2020 New York Times article by Eilene Zimmerman asked what made some people more resilient than others.
The most significant determinant of resilience — noted in nearly every review or study of resilience in the last 50 years — is the quality of our close personal relationships, especially with parents and primary caregivers.
“How loved you felt as a child is a great predictor of how you manage all kinds of difficult situations later in life,” said Bessel van der Kolk, a professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine who has been researching post-traumatic stress since the 1970s.
Dr. van der Kolk, the founder of the Trauma Research Foundation in Boston, said long-term studies showed that the first 20 years of life were especially critical.
I was fortunate to have lived in an environment where I felt incredibly loved and supported by my parents and extended family. I also believe I had a genetic predisposition for resiliency.
I watched my parents overcome many unexpected challenges. Without realizing it, I learned resiliency from watching and observing those close to me and how they responded when faced with events that would alter their life.
Before The Fall
Before I became ill, I was training to run my first marathon in memory of my grandmother who had died of leukemia. I was a successful marketing manager at an international company. I worked 60+ hours a week but loved my job. I traveled for work and pleasure, had a large network of friends, and I looked forward to what was next.
I was living my best life until I wasn’t.
During the first year of my illness, I was too ill to think about what would come next. I didn’t have the energy to hold a conversation, let alone research treatments that might help.
Doctors soon gave up and stopped trying to find the cause. The consensus was a virus that would soon run its course. Some called it the “yuppie flu,” others Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Post Viral Syndrome. They implored me to rest, and let my body heal.
It soon became clear that if I was to heal and regain any semblance of a life, I was going to have to find the answers myself.
I was unemployed, sick as hell, and no one knew how to help.
5 Ways to Master Resilience
1. Acceptance
Over time, I came to accept that I may not know what caused me to become ill and I may not get better. I wasn’t pessimistic. I was realistic. After years of tests, scans, opinions, and appointments, I learned to accept that there didn’t appear to be an answer.
I was suffering from an UNKNOWN illness. Medicine is a science whose premise is one of cause and effect. Not knowing the cause was an uncomfortable place for most clinicians.
Admitting they didn’t know the cause was even more problematic. As a result, many patients are dismissed and ignored. I would become one of them.
This attitude would later lead to my advocacy work.
In order to strengthen my resiliency, I accepted the fact that no one in a position to help really cared to understand why I was suffering.
It was a life-changing illness for me, but for the countless doctors I saw, I was but one of their many patients suffering. They were helping the ones whose illness had a name and a treatment. Cause and Effect.
To become resilient you need to hone the ability to accept that which is given, even if you don’t understand why.
2. Acknowledge Self
When you’re sick, you spend most of your time alone. I always loved to read so of course I turned to books, but my illness stripped that joy from me too. For reasons unknown, I was unable to easily follow words across a page or comprehend what I read after finishing a paragraph. This complication was as frightening as the daily fevers and soul-crushing fatigue.
I learned to write and express myself at a young age and that skill led me to a successful career where I often wrote articles for executives, launched new products, created advertising campaigns, and managed public relations efforts across the US.
My ability to communicate well was my life. Yet at 26, I was unable to read and understand a simple newspaper article in my local paper.
I felt utter despair but I learned to acknowledge that feeling. I allowed myself to feel every emotion that accompanied loss. It helped me get in tune with my body and mind.
I learned to trust myself and let my intuition guide me.
To this day, I can accurately decipher my body temperature without a thermometer and my intuition guides me on a regular basis.
To become resilient you need to acknowledge your thoughts and emotions, learn to trust what you feel, and let your intuition guide you.
3. Find Support
For several years, I lived with my parents and depended on them as I had when I was younger. I always knew what a blessing my parents were. They were loved by everyone that knew them or met them. I won the parent lottery.
My childhood home was filled with love and kindness. Everyone was respected and encouraged to learn and grow. Without their support, I would not have survived.
To become resilient you need the support of at least one person on whom you can depend. It doesn’t have to be a family member, but everyone needs someone. The more support you have, the stronger you become.
4. Remain Calm
In the face of a crisis, it’s difficult to remain calm, but it’s a hallmark of a good leader and critical to enjoying successful relationships. At work, I often found myself in a room with CEO’s and executives with decades of experience.
I knew from observation that the key to solving problems was listening, remaining calm, and communicating effectively. I had these abilities before I was sick. But after I became sick, these skills and others went on vacation and left me behind.
When doctors suggested my illness was the result of overworking or essentially MY fault, I didn’t explode with anger or indignation, although I would have been justified. Instead, I listened as best I could and asked questions if I was able to string coherent sentences together. Many times I tuned them out from sheer exhaustion or because listening was futile.
I learned that remaining calm was the best way for me to handle the lack of concern.
When I was able I would make notes to bring to my next appointment. I would imagine I was interviewing an executive about a new product they intended to launch. I’d ask direct questions in a calm, even tone, free of emotion. This is when I was finally told “I just don’t know how to help, I’m sorry.”
Resilience and the strength to overcome adversity are easier when you’re calm. A calm mind and body allow you to listen, feel, observe, and communicate effectively.
5. Practice Gratitude
While it took time for me to see the hidden blessings in my illness, learning gratitude was the most important lesson.
With gratitude came the ability to be present. By focusing on the present, I wasn’t looking back at what had been, or forward at what may never be.
Instead, I was incredibly grateful for the love and support of my parents who didn’t miss a beat when I needed help. I was grateful for a place to live and the unconditional love and kindness of family and close friends.
I learned gratitude for the little things every day, rather than sadness for what I had lost.
To become resilient, it’s important to live in the present moment. Gratitude enables you to do so.
Over the next few years, my condition would improve somewhat, but I would never be the same.
I gradually went back to work, but I looked for positions that would challenge me in a less taxing way.
My dream of running a marathon was gone. Instead, I was happy to walk a few miles.
My desire to travel and experience new places was replaced with books about exotic locations and different cultures.
I saw friends less and learned to enjoy spending time alone.
It wasn’t the life I imagined I would be living at 30, but I was happy with the progress I made and thankful for what I had.
I was hopeful that someday I would reclaim my healthy self.
I started to think about what was possible and believed I could find new ways to enjoy life.
Resiliency saved me. It helped me move forward and enjoy the steps along the way.
Little did I know, it would also prepare me to face the additional hardships that were yet to come.