Is Anxiety Holding You Back From Living Your Best Life
How to ease social anxiety and make meaningful connections
Soulful Sunday #24 for June 25, 2023
Good morning everyone! I hope you’re enjoying your first full weekend of Summer.
This week in Soulful Sunday:
I. Is Anxiety Holding You Back?
II. Master Your Monday: You Are Good Enough
Do you ever feel anxious walking into a room full of strangers, before a first date or job interview, or when speaking in public?
Butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms, or a racing heart are normal feelings when facing new social situations.
Yet, for more than 15 million Americans with social anxiety, those feelings of nervousness are not temporary, and they interfere with daily life.
Social interactions were never hard for me. In college, I was a cheerleader for a Division 1 basketball team that sold out every game, and when the team went to the Final Four, I was on the court at the Louisiana Superdome, where more than 60,000 college basketball fans assembled for the game. Being in front of or in a crowd didn’t bother me.
That changed after spending years at home, isolated due to illness. Like many people who developed new anxieties during the pandemic, the isolation from my illness led to a newfound uneasiness in social situations.
I knew I felt different when I began to venture out after the pandemic eased. Adding to the issue, I am immuno-compromised, so I had concerns that many did not and still do. I didn’t rush back to restaurants when they reopened, and I still avoid large indoor events.
But as a real estate professional, meeting people IS my business. This past week I attended a networking event. I knew a few colleagues were going, but I went alone. The venue was packed, and I didn’t recognize anyone when I walked in.
I was out of my comfort zone. For a moment, I thought about turning around and leaving.
Normal Anxiety vs. Anxiety Disorder
Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an upcoming event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. Who doesn’t worry about finances, health, or relationships at some point?
My feelings about entering a crowded room full of strangers were normal.
But when anxiety is persistent, excessive, or interferes with daily activities, it may be more. It could be an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety by the Numbers
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness:
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in the U.S.
Over 40 million adults experience an anxiety disorder each year.
7% of children and teenagers are affected.
Only 1/3 of those receive treatment.
There are many types of anxiety, including:
Generalized anxiety- an excessive worry about everyday issues or situations.
Panic disorders- unexpected and repeated episodes of intense fear accompanied by physical symptoms.
Phobias- an intense fear or aversion to a specific object or situation, such as flying or heights.
Social Anxiety Disorder
According to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America, Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is the second most diagnosed anxiety disorder, affecting 15.1 million US adults annually.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, faculty member at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD), and author of “How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety.”
She describes social anxiety as the disproportionate fear of being judged or rejected.
“It’s the belief that there is something wrong with you, and unless you conceal and hide that perceived fatal flaw, you’ll be revealed, and everybody will judge and reject you. Social anxiety is distinct in that there’s an element of self-consciousness. You overthink your actions. This is not out of narcissism but being overly critical of your thoughts and behaviors.”
Social anxiety is more common than you may think.
The National Institute of Mental Health found:
7.1% of U.S. adults had a social anxiety disorder in the past year.
12.1% of U.S. adults experience social anxiety disorder at some time.
Both men and women are affected.
The first signs of social anxiety typically begin around age 13, with many diagnosed with SAD reporting extreme shyness during childhood.
However, social anxiety disorder is more than shyness or being introverted.
Understanding the difference between social anxiety disorder and childhood shyness is important.
Personality traits are who we are. Introverts may have a lower threshold for stimulation and prefer small groups or one-on-one interactions. Extroverts, on the other hand, thrive in large groups and get their energy from other people.
When COVID began, we all stayed in a proverbial bubble. Many isolated alone. Everyone worried about the potential risks, and millions of lives were lost.
Virtually overnight, we were transformed into a culture that feared public places and other people. For many people compromised with chronic illness, the fear is still very real.
Over time, most adjusted and returned to life as it was pre-pandemic. But some have not.
Many young adults who have come of age in an era of pandemic-related school closures and remote school and work struggle with new mental health conditions.
Today, I’m focusing on social anxiety because I didn’t realize how I was affected until I began reintegrating into the world. And while I don’t have SAD, I experienced anxiety for the first time a few years ago. It’s an important topic because social anxiety, diagnosed as a disorder or not, can and will affect your life and your relationships. It can stop you from living your best life.
What Does Social Anxiety Look Like
One of the hallmarks of social anxiety is avoidance. Because people with SAD worry about acting or appearing visibly anxious (e.g., blushing, stumbling over words) or being viewed as awkward or uninteresting, they often avoid social or performance situations.
Avoidance can occur in two ways. Overt avoidance - you don’t go to an event because you’re afraid no one will speak with you, or covert avoidance- you go to the event, but you don’t engage with others or look to make new connections. Instead, you keep conversations brief and leave soon after arriving.
Social anxiety stands in the way of building meaningful connections, personally and professionally.
A study from Harvard Business Review found that people with social anxiety often avoid networking events due to feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection.
Significant distress may follow if a situation cannot be avoided, including physical symptoms such as a rapid heart rate, nausea, and sweating.
For those with social anxiety disorder, the symptoms may be so extreme their daily lives are completely disrupted. Job or school performance may suffer, and the ability to maintain relationships ceases.
Beyond the formal symptoms of social anxiety, Dr. Hendriksen discusses the informal aspects of social anxiety.
Dr. Hendriksen has devoted her career to helping people overcome social anxiety because she knew what it was like.
In her book, she proposes a groundbreaking idea- that you already have everything you need to succeed in any unfamiliar social situation.
She tells readers:
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are enough as you are, even if your social anxiety is telling you otherwise.
Although those affected often recognize their fear is excessive and unreasonable, they feel powerless to change it.
But social anxiety is treatable, and there are many treatment options. There is no single “right” treatment, as what works for one person may not be the best choice for someone else. Like many illnesses, different approaches may be needed before finding the most effective treatment.
I understand what it’s like to experience a new or different anxiety.
When I realized it was affecting how I approached social interactions, I began working to correct the issue. I’m not a physician and don’t offer medical advice, but if you’ve felt more nervous than you’d like in social situations, especially since the pandemic, some of the approaches I used may be helpful.
If you or someone you know has concerns about an anxiety disorder, please seek professional help.
9 Ways To Ease Anxiety In Social Situations
1. Realize that some anxiety is okay and completely normal.
Don’t think anxiety is bad, but something that can help you prepare for new situations. Someone without anxiety may not think ahead and prepare to feel anxious. Preparing helped me normalize the fact that anxious feelings were okay.
2. Get out of your comfort zone slowly and gradually.
Choose a small environment with few strangers and expand your experiences as your comfort level grows.
3. Stop negative or anxious thoughts from replaying in your mind.
Remind yourself that you’re capable of navigating different situations. Remember similar times in the past when you managed a challenging circumstance. Use affirmations if you find it helpful, and speak to yourself in a manner that inspires confidence.
Remember how you talk to yourself can help re-wire your thought process. Use this to your advantage.
4. Develop a growth mindset.
Instead of fearing a new situation, consider it an opportunity to learn and grow. Stepping out of your comfort zone may help you feel more comfortable in social and professional situations.
5. Prepare an elevator pitch.
When I worked in Public Relations, I coached clients to prepare an elevator pitch before a meeting. An elevator pitch is a short description of an idea, product, or company that concisely explains a concept in an easy-to-understand manner. Think of yourself as that idea or concept. If you met someone in an elevator, what would you tell them about yourself if asked? This approach will help you feel more confident when introducing yourself or meeting new people.
6. Look for signs of social acceptance.
When entering an unfamiliar situation, look for signs from others that are welcoming- a friendly smile or someone making eye contact. While this may be challenging at first, by practicing, you’ll learn to focus on finding connections rather than avoiding them.
7. Set a goal.
If you’d rather stay home than attend a social or networking event, but your business depends on meeting new people, set yourself an attainable goal. Try different types of events and see what feels more comfortable. If you play a sport, consider meeting others through that shared interest. I know many people who regularly conduct business on a golf course.
8. Reward your efforts.
Even if you feel nervous after a new situation ends, give yourself credit for trying! Accept that your nervousness may be a part of the next situation, but it will likely decrease over time the more you put yourself out there.
9. Practice.
The old saying practice makes perfect may not seem to apply to social anxiety, but practicing can help ease your nervousness. As your comfort level increases, try different situations and events.
If I had not addressed the anxiety I began feeling years ago, I wouldn’t have attended the networking event this past week. Although I considered leaving, I used many of the tactics outlined here to stay and connect with industry colleagues.
Note: The opinions expressed here are for informational purposes only and are based on personal experience. If you have anxiety disorder concerns, please consult with a medical professional.
II. Master Your Monday - A mindful tip to help you start the week.
We often question our abilities and worth, but it’s essential to understand that you teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself. If you’re not already doing so, start treating yourself with love, respect, and pride, and remind yourself each day that you are good enough.
Why Soulful Sunday?
The Power of Change is about exploring the potential to transform your life in meaningful ways. Soulful Sunday addresses topics that help you do just that.
Begin by being mindful of your life.
It’s the first step and helps you focus on what’s important.
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Insightful, as always! You Soulful Sundays are so well written.
Totally relate, basically I am a shy ham that makes myself pick up a microphone to share poetry. Still don’t like being in large crowds in confined spaces. I really enjoyed your insights. :-) m