The Adversity Toolkit: Do You Have The Tools You Need?
At 25, I had it all.
Until everything fell apart.
I was ill-prepared to revamp the life I had planned.
Nobody prepares you for the worst.
I had a degree in business and marketing, a great job with an international technology company, a loving and supportive family, and many friends. I planned to buy my first home and looked forward to what lay ahead.
But when the rug’s pulled out from under you, and you find yourself flat on your back, dazed and confused, wondering what hit you, how do you start again?
Because The Power of Change is based on building resilience, I’ve written often about the topic. I’ll bypass it today and discuss a few other aspects of an adversity toolkit: the less-known ones and those you may not have considered.
In case you missed the first post about my adversity toolkit, you can find it here.
What’s an Adversity Toolkit?
It’s the tools that help you survive when life knocks you down.
When happiness turns to sadness.
Light becomes dark.
Hope becomes despair.
Where do you find resources and help when you need it? I turned to books and research, but no book could help me when I needed it most.
So, I would end up writing my own - eventually.
Initially, I could barely write a coherent paragraph. The brain fog and cognitive issues I experienced caused me to stop writing AND reading.
Isolated from life, with few options, I had hit rock bottom. I’d heard of people hitting rock bottom due to addiction but not because of illness. Yet, that’s where I landed after a year of hearing my illness was mysterious and there was nothing I could do to get better.
Then, I was written off.
Starting over
I started with despair and shame. It was a long and lonely phase.
Eventually, it led to the realization that I had to let go of the life I knew or planned. Things were beyond my control. And letting go was the only option.
I would never find my way back from the edge if I held on to the past.
Moving on meant learning to care for myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
But how?
I needed to find a way to love the new me, a task that challenged me for years. So much so that I avoided mirrors for nearly a decade because I thought it was easier to avoid the reflection than accept it.
Self-love
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines self-love as:
1. an appreciation of one’s worth or virtue.
2. proper regard for and attention to one’s happiness or well-being.
3. inflated love of or pride in oneself: NARCISSISM, CONCEIT
Depending on who you ask, self-love has different meanings. Which of these resonates with you?
“Self-love begins when we observe our actions and words with compassion, as if we were our own best friend.”
—Sara M Bosworth
“Just as you’d think, it’s love—particularly self-love—that makes the world go around.”
—Henry Louis Gates, Jr.
“Often, we are reluctant to promote self-love mostly because we confuse it with selfishness. Since we are humans, we ought to have a healthy love for ourselves; it is from this fount that love flows out to others.”
—Mason Olds
A history of ambition
I came from a long line of strong, ambitious women who wore many hats and juggled many responsibilities. Self-care and self-love were not discussed. A trip to the hair or nail salon was always a treat, but that’s not self-care.
Self-love and self-care are skills or tools that help us accept ourselves and others.
Without them, relationships suffer.
You’re harder on yourself than you need to be.
You strive for perfection and feel disappointed or ashamed when you miss your goal.
When I walked away from a career I loved because of a physical illness, I was more than ashamed. I pushed myself to the brink before collapsing and being forced to take a leave by my physician.
I was young and couldn’t accept that I was failing at life.
It took many years for me to understand that self-love means being concerned for your well-being and happiness. It means caring for your needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.
“Self-love is not selfish: you cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself.”
- notesonbliss.com
I struggled with self-love because I hadn’t conquered self-acceptance.
Without accepting who I was, I could not prioritize my well-being and move through the difficulties I was facing.
· I blamed myself for getting sick, although I didn’t have a choice.
· I blamed myself for not getting well, even though dozens of doctors had no idea what was wrong or how to help.
· I blamed myself when I got divorced, although I tried to save my marriage.
Overcoming adversity requires work.
I worked with mentors, coaches, therapists, and medical practitioners who removed my blame and shame and helped me rebuild my life from the inside out and the ground up.
· I accepted I was sick, and no one knew why.
· I accepted I was not getting well, and it wasn’t my fault.
· I accepted I had many talents and gifts that could be used despite my limitations.
· I accepted who I was in the moment and let go of who I thought I should be.
· I learned that we all have the power to change our lives regardless of our circumstances.
But to make changes, we need first to accept and love ourselves.
If you think self-care is a trip to a day spa, please consider this:
Self-care means resting when needed and slowing down instead of pushing through.
It means adequate sleep, healthy eating, and moderate exercise. Basic things we all know are good for us. But do we do it?
I worked long hours and took little time off. Instead of running three miles, I pushed myself to run five because I thought it made me stronger. I was a perfectionist who always strived for more. Until I learned to:
· Slow down
· Listen to my body
· Let go of other people’s opinions or expectations
· Be kind to myself
Cultivating acceptance, self-love, and self-care is a process.
It helps to be present and mindful of your life.
For me, it meant starting a meditation practice, learning Qi Gong, and giving myself permission to rest.
Did I cause my illness? No, but could I have healed faster had I learned to be kind and gentle with myself?
I’ll never know, but I won’t repeat the same mistakes. It’s the reason I help others learn to slow down and incorporate these essential tools in their lives:
1. Self-love.
2. Self-acceptance.
3. Self-care.
They should be in everyone’s toolkit.
Whether you’re sick, well, or somewhere in between, you need these to become the person you’re meant to be. When all three align, you can begin to understand your purpose or calling.
We all have one. Even if you don’t know what yours is.
Aligning these skills helps raise your energy and vibration, a key to welcoming change and happiness.
It allows you to open your heart to find true happiness and the life you were meant to live despite your circumstances.
The next time you think negatively about self-love, self-care, or self-acceptance, consider the other definitions and why giving yourself the love and grace you deserve is critical.
As a coach once told me, “Self-care is soul-care.”
On Friday, December 8th, My Mess Is My Message II was launched on Amazon and quickly became a #1 Bestselling book in the US, Canada, and the UK in several categories. The book features twenty-two stories from women who have mastered my adversity toolkit.
If you haven’t downloaded a copy of the ebook yet, you can do so here. You won’t be disappointed!
Until next week, be mindful and stay safe.
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