Do You Speak The Language of Emotions?
Can you convey your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and make meaningful connections in the process?
When a baby cries, it’s usually for one of several reasons:
They’re hungry.
They’re tired.
They need a diaper change.
When new puppies whine, they’re hungry, need to go potty, or want your attention.
In both instances, there are obvious signs of a need. Once the need is addressed, the cries or whines stop.
But often, needs are not so obvious.
If cries continue for long, it becomes distressing. You wonder if they’re sick or in pain. Thanks to their cries/whines, soothing a child or calming a puppy is pretty straightforward.
Their cries/whines are the languages by which a parent or ‘pawrent’ understand their need and works to resolve the issue.
But what happens when you don’t have the language or tools to explain what’s causing you distress?
Our human experience is based on connections and relationships. First is the connection and relationship we develop with ourselves. Next are those we create with others. You can’t have one with the other. And maintaining these relationships requires work. It also requires a common language that all parties can understand.
Learning to understand others is not as simple as addressing the cries of a newborn or puppy. The language that binds people is not as obvious or straightforward and is often challenging to understand.
We’re not taught how to become self-aware. We don’t learn how to communicate our feelings in school. Most school-aged children do their best to hide their feelings from their classmates and teachers.
Interpersonal relationships are based on the ability to communicate, and communication is based on a mutually understood language.
Without a universal language to convey how you think and feel, can we ever be successful in knowing ourselves and others?
Is there a universal language of emotions?
In her latest book, “Atlas of the Heart,” Brene Brown discusses the complexity of emotions and the language used to describe how we feel.
In the five-part HBO miniseries based on the book, Brown notes that of the thousands of subjects interviewed during her research, most could name just three emotions:
Happy
Sad
Pissed off
The miniseries then discusses 30 key emotions in detail. The book includes 87 emotions and experiences, many of which are thoughts that lead to emotions. She breaks down each emotion’s definition and helps us understand the true meaning of these often misunderstood feelings.
For several years, I worked with a coach who started and ended each session with the question:
What are you feeling?
To help me expand my feeling language, she gave me a list of more than 60 emotions. When I learned Brown had identified 87, I was intrigued.
Her new book and miniseries are a fascinating look at how we articulate our thoughts and feelings and how the lack of accurate language can impact our relationships.
Consider this scenario:
Your family has been planning a vacation. You’ve been saving for a year and planning your itinerary for months. Despite your concerns about the rising COVID and flu cases, your partner attends a sold-out indoor concert two weeks before your vacation. You’re immune compromised and avoid crowds at all costs.
A few days before your vacation, your partner gets sick, tests positive for COVID, and is too ill to travel. You can’t change your reservation, so you cancel the trip.
What words do you use to explain what you’re feeling?
You’re probably pretty upset. Are you angry, frustrated, disappointed, or all of these?Does your partner understand what you’re feeling based on your chosen words?
When your partner says he feels guilty about canceling the trip, do you understand that he knows his behavior was wrong?
Were you both able to convey what you felt and be understood by the other? Is your language adequate to move past the issue, or is resentment built?
If you’re unsure of emotions’ meanings, can you adequately convey your thoughts and feelings? Can your relationship survive if you continue to speak different languages?
Over the past twenty-five years, Brown’s research has focused on the connection between how we think, feel, and act. Through her years studying emotions, she confirmed that developing meaningful connections is more challenging without the appropriate language or the ability to describe how we think and feel.
Eduardo Bericat, a sociology professor at the University of Seville, suggests,
“As human beings, we can only experience life emotionally.”
Brown takes this idea further by defining the emotions and experiences that make us human - including the all-important language that enables us to make sense of life’s experiences.
You may have difficulty naming ten emotions, let alone the 87 Brown discusses in the book. Regardless of the number of emotions you can name, one thing is clear:
Our emotions and how we experience them are complex.
The language that describes our emotions is more so.
Developing and maintaining meaningful connections requires a universal language.
Brown suggests that to make sense of our emotions and experiences, we should also consider the following:
1. The biology of emotions: how they show up in our bodies and why.
2. How do our families and communities shape our beliefs about the connection between our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors?
3. Our go-to behaviors.
4. The context for our feelings-what Brown calls the ‘backstory.’
By focusing on the complexities of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and learning to convey these feelings using a universally accepted language, we are better positioned to develop and maintain meaningful connections.
I’ll explore some of Brown’s highlighted emotions further in an upcoming newsletter. In the meantime, please let me know how you feel about your ability to convey your thoughts and feelings and if you’d like to share any tips on improving communication with others.
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Until next week, be mindful and stay safe.
Very interesting to think that just by getting better at explaining how we feel, we can improve our relationships and understand ourselves more.
I was surprised there are as many as 87 emotions. Wow! Not too long ago, I realised I'm not very good at expressing negative emotions; I usually supress them. And I started learning how to release them through quick exercises of body movement. It's been a long journey but I do see some improvement.