When asked to contribute to the bestselling book “My Mess Is My Message II,” I hesitated.
Of course, it was an honor to be considered, but did I want to admit that my life had been a mess? Was it necessary to unearth the pain and trauma again and put it on display for the world to see?
Ten years ago, I would have politely declined.
Last year, I embraced the invitation.
Saying yes to the mess.
Saying yes meant I had turned the corner and healed from the pain, hurt, and uncertainty that plagued me for more than two decades.
My ‘mess’ had become a message of hope and healing.
A message of resilience, vulnerability, and authenticity.
A step in the right direction.
Are you willing to accept and embrace your mess?
Life is messy.
No one is immune.
More than 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Millions of people become ill every day.
More watch their loved ones suffer through hard times.
Job loss.
Financial insecurity.
Unexpected loss.
When you’re in the middle of a mess, it’s hard to make sense of anything and even harder to contemplate a way out.
I thought about giving up many times. What kept me going?
I believed there was more to my life than the current mess.
While I had always had a deep faith, that faith was challenged more times than I can count. During some of the most challenging times, I lost my faith.
So, how did I come to believe there were better times ahead? Was it divine intervention?
If you have faith, you may think that played a role. If you’re an atheist, you’ll disagree.
For me, it didn’t matter. What mattered was my belief in my ability to overcome it all: the negativity, the shame, the hurt, the infidelity, the diagnosis, the prognosis.
You have to feel to heal.
I had heard of feeling your way to healing but never grasped the concept. Until I had nowhere to go but up.
Instead of burying my deepest fears, I began to acknowledge them. At first, acknowledging them led to a scarcity mindset filled with doubts, worries, and concerns. I didn’t know what to do with the thoughts that consumed me. Navigating the complex set of emotions that had resulted from years of being dismissed by the medical system, a progressive illness with no known cause or treatment, an unexpected divorce, loss of financial security, and the challenges that are inherent in being a single parent was all too much.
Realizing I didn’t have the necessary skills was the first step.
Figuring out how to develop them was next.
Burying the hurt was not a solution.
Feeling it was painful.
Reliving it was worse but part of the process.
By working with therapists, coaches, and mentors, I accepted the past and, more importantly, learned to reframe the negative experiences and memories in a new way.
I then began to write about the past trauma. First, for myself. Then here.
Putting those raw emotions out into the world for others to read and judge was a part of letting go of the past. Like releasing the ashes of a beloved into the wind, I released the deepest parts of myself and set them free.
Reframe and release.
By learning to reframe the experiences that often haunted me, I could move past the moments that held me captive.
I learned to be okay with the mess that had become my life.
I accepted it was part of living and healing.
In the process, I reflected on what it all meant and discovered what was hidden beneath it all.
That’s where I found the blessings.
It didn’t happen overnight. It took years and a conscious effort to heal. But acknowledging and accepting the past is part of becoming who you’re meant to be.
Instead of being ashamed of life’s messes, consider embracing and reframing them.
Instead of wondering what you did wrong, consider that the outcome may have been beyond your control.
Release the burden that you carry, knowing that it’s behind you.
Dr. Caroline Leaf is a cognitive neuroscientist, mental health expert, and author of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess. Her book discusses ways to turn unhealthy trauma responses into healthy ones through a process called reconceptualization.
“You have to learn how to sit with your pain, deconstruct it, and, most importantly, reconstruct it and decide how it plays out into your future.”
-Dr. Caroline Leaf
Although I didn’t learn of Dr. Leaf’s process until recently, the idea of reframing trauma responses was a key to my healing.
It helped me learn to live well with a chronic illness.
And let’s face it, ‘chronic’ means here to stay. Good days and bad.
Some days, pain reminds me that all is not well, but I no longer ignore or dismiss it.
I feel it.
I accept it.
I reflect on its meaning or lesson.
I move on.
Learning to manage traumatic experiences requires professional help and patience. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach; it’s about finding what works best for you.
Trial and error gave me a playbook I still refer to. My book contains notes, reminders, shortcuts, affirmations, prayers, and more. Developing the playbook gave me a sense of agency and empowered me to take control of my life by changing how I thought about my situation.
Dr. Leaf shares two crucial findings for me: mindset and neuroplasticity, two topics I write about often.
“When you develop an ‘I can help myself deal with my mind mindset,’ it actually turbo boosts the brain’s ability to change, grow and heal (called neuroplasticity). You move into a very powerful, deep learning state when you embrace this way of thinking.”
I couldn’t agree more.
If you’re looking for a new way to reframe situations in your life, Dr. Leaf’s 5-step Neurocycle approach could help. Here’s an overview of the steps.
1. Gather awareness of how you feel mentally and physically.
2. Reflect on your feelings. Why do you think you feel this way?
3. Write down your reflections to help organize your thinking.
4. Recheck- think about what your thoughts and feelings are trying to tell you. What does it say about what happened to you? What is your “antidote”? How will you start reframing your thoughts about what happened, and how can you improve the situation?
5. Active reach is a thought or action you practice daily to help you reconceptualize what you thought about in the previous step. What will you do daily to give yourself the time and mental space needed to turn destructive thoughts into a constructive future?
Life is Messy.
Reframing the mess is one way to heal.
Finding blessings amidst the mess is a bonus.
I celebrated the process and shared my mess, hoping it would inspire others to think differently about theirs.
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Until next week, be mindful and stay safe.
“Life is a blessed mess; we’re all just trying to navigate through it.”
- unknown
So many yes's to this! My memoir (and life learning) is all about this... and am so grateful to finally feel the deep healing and nervous system reset that comes from allowing, even loving. :)
"You have to feel to heal." I love this, it is 100% true.