“A good half of the art of living is resilience.”
― Alain de Botton
The death of a loved one.
A life-changing medical diagnosis.
The loss of a job.
Financial insecurity.
Events that alter your life.
Most of us have experienced at least one of these.
If the event is unexpected, it forces you to face the unknown at a time when you’re least prepared.
The ground beneath you becomes shaky.
The pace of life slows. Sometimes, it comes to a halt.
Everything you thought you knew is called into question.
As a child, I hated roller coasters. The twists, turns, and sudden drops left me feeling dizzy and uneasy. My stomach lurched, and I felt unsteady when my feet returned to the ground.
After my first roller coaster experience, I avoided them at all costs. Why put myself through an experience that left me feeling so unbalanced?
Avoiding roller coasters was easy, but we can’t choose to avoid life’s challenges or unexpected hardships.
They happen whether we’re ready or not.
Learning to navigate these times is a desirable skill, but not one that’s taught or often discussed.
In the book Resilience, The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges, the three authors, medical practitioners with expertise in Psychiatry, PTSD, Neurobiology, and clinical psychology, summarize that to withstand, overcome, and grow from personal tragedies does not require superior genes or a “tough of nails” approach to life.
Instead, they found it’s possible to learn tried and true methods for becoming resilient by listening to and following the advice of people who had “been there.”
For years, I’ve studied how to build resilience. In the beginning, I had no idea where to start. I knew of no blueprint I could follow.
Two decades and many unexpected challenges later, I’ve found ways to develop and build resilience. I believe it’s a skill, an art.
Others call it a science, but I’ve found it’s less about facts and more about how you feel.
Like those interviewed for the book, I agreed with the ten recurring themes found among resilient people.
Ten Themes Among Resilient People:
Resilient people confront their fears.
2. They maintain an optimistic but realistic outlook.
3. They seek and accept support.
4. They imitate role models.
5. They rely on their inner moral compass.
6. They turn to a religious or spiritual practice.
7. They attend to their health and well-being.
8. They remain curious, pushing themselves to learn new things.
9. They approach problems with flexibility and acceptance.
10. They found meaning and growth during and after traumatic experiences.
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When You Need Resilience
This past week, I experienced symptoms that got in the way of accomplishing what I needed. It was frustrating, but I’ve been down this road so often that I didn’t consider it a setback.
My chronic illness is a part of me. It does not define me.
When symptoms flare, I consult my inner warrior and tell myself what I need to hear:
This, too, shall pass.
Like those interviewed, I maintain an optimistic outlook, knowing the flare will end. I ask for help if needed but rely on my inner strength to push through.
If I need to find a new way of accomplishing a task, I approach it by accepting the usual steps won’t work.
I become a problem solver. I think strategically about each task.
In the process, I look for a reason.
Did my actions cause the setback?
What, if anything, could I have done to prevent the flare?
Is a change in treatment to blame?
How can I move through this as quickly as possible?
The process of questioning and searching for answers is vital to understanding yourself. Without asking, you fail to learn. Without learning, you’ll repeat the same mistakes.
If I repeatedly push through my limits without taking time to rest or reset, I will cause a flare.
I also know it’s hard to stop doing what you want or need to to halt a rising tide. But it’s better than being caught in the undertow and dragged from safety.
Setting Limits
One of the most challenging parts of building resilience is learning to set limits, respect those limits, and put things aside for a moment.
Sometimes, those moments last longer than you imagined. When you’re amid a tumultuous time or despair has taken hold, the best course of action may be no action.
It’s in these times that I refocus. I seek support, kindness, and love from those who know and understand.
I increase my meditation practice and pray for relief. I also accept the fear that creeps in. I’ve learned it’s okay to be afraid.
If I need to find a new way of doing things that is less taxing, I use my imagination and strategize how to get from point A to point B without traveling the usual route.
Sometimes, my best efforts fail, and I’m left to accept that there is little else I can do at the moment. In these times, I remind myself that I have the strength and the resilience needed. I’ve done it time and time again.
Resilience makes difficult times more manageable. It trains us to move on when we should and strengthens us to adapt to necessary change.
By building resilience, we learn to sustain ourselves regardless of the circumstances. And in the process, we grow and transform ourselves.
If we’re lucky, we also learn to appreciate that life isn’t perfect, but there are always perfect moments.
When I turned the page on my book of inspiration today, I landed on the following quote:
“Let the fire inside you burn brighter than the fire around you.” -Author unknown
As usual, it was timely and exactly what I needed to see.
I needed to be reminded that the fire inside me is strong and I have what it takes to withstand the fire around me.
If you’ve never thought about building resilience but see the value in doing so, consider the ten common themes found with those who have “been there, done that.”
If you have a different suggestion for building resilience, I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment and tell me how it worked for you.
“It is when you are confronted with uncertainty that you truly discover who you are. In that space is where growth and innovation thrive and where you learn that you are stronger and more resilient than you ever knew before.”
― Hania Khuri-Trapper
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The first edition of The Power of Change was published on October 8, 2022.
In it, I shared 5 Things to Master to Become Resilient.
During the past year, I wrote about overcoming adversity and what it takes to live Chronically Well by building and harnessing the power of resilience. Stories such as:
If you’re a new reader of The Power of Change, I invite you to look through the archives.
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Until next week, be mindful and stay safe.
"I believe it’s a skill, an art".
You have not only managed the art of resilience, but you explain the skills necessary with much accuracy.
The best to you, Tracy