The Epidemic of Loneliness
How to build and strengthen relationships and improve social connections
Loss of connection is a hallmark of chronic illness. Isolation is common.
But it’s not only those who are chronically ill who are lonely and isolated.
In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General released a report entitled Our Epidemic of Loneliness & Isolation. In it were startling facts about the state of social relationships.
“In recent years, about one-in-two adults in America reported experiencing loneliness. And that was before the COVID-19 pandemic cut off so many of us from friends, loved ones, and support systems, exacerbating loneliness and isolation.”
-Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States
Loneliness is more than just a bad feeling- it’s the lack of meaningful connections.
According to the report:
“Loneliness is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.”
The consequences of a society that lacks social connection can be felt in our schools, workplaces, and civic organizations.”
In the chronic illness world, loneliness is rampant. Patients and caregivers often find it’s easier to remain isolated than to attempt to convince their healthy friends, family members, and colleagues what it’s like to live in their shoes.
I’ve been there and given up more times than I succeeded. Why?
Because the effort required to help others understand what loneliness, isolation, and illness feel like is too much, especially when you’re already working from a deficit of energy.
The need to belong
Belonging is a fundamental human need—the feeling of deep connection with individuals, groups, or physical places.
Whether you’re healthy or chronically ill, you may feel socially disconnected.
There were many alarming statistics from the U.S. Surgeon General’s report:
The time teenagers spend in person with their friends is down 70% during the last two decades.
60% of adults say they don’t feel connected to others.
The number of close friendships has declined over several decades. Among people not reporting loneliness or social isolation, nearly 90% have three or more confidants. Yet, almost half of Americans (49%) in 2021 reported having three or fewer close friends, an increase from 27% in 1990.
The number of single-person households has increased from 13% in 1960 to 29% in 2022, leaving fewer informal supports to draw upon in times of need.
Groups at highest risk for social disconnection
Anyone of any age or background can experience loneliness and isolation. Still, some groups are at higher risk than others, including those with poor physical or mental health, those who are disabled or experience financial insecurity, those who live alone, single parents, and adults over 65.
While the highest rates of social isolation are found among older adults, young adults are almost twice as likely to report feeling lonely than those over 65.
Social relationships are your superpower.
Social relationships play a vital role in our overall well-being, so how do we make meaningful connections and build relationships that sustain us?
Robert J. Waldinger, an American psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and Zen priest, is a part-time professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and directs the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies of adult life ever conducted. The study tracked the lives of 700+ original participants and 1,300+ descendants over 85 years. His 2015 Ted Talk has been viewed nearly 50 million times. In it, he explained that the happiest and healthiest people are those who have warm connections with others.
“Human connection is our superpower.
Good relationships help us get through life’s inevitable challenges,
and they keep us happier and healthier.”
-Robert Waldinger, MD
How do relationships shape our happiness and physical health?
In his work, Waldinger explains that good relationships are stress regulators.
Friends or family members we can depend on help us regain our equilibrium after a challenging event.
Those who are isolated and don’t have someone to talk with struggle to regulate their emotions. In times of stress, they may remain in a chronic fight or flight mode, leading to chronic stress.
Having at least one person you can turn to is essential to improving your health.
At the end of one’s life, the strength and warmth of your social connections matter most.
How can we build and strengthen relationships?
Just as physical fitness is a practice we must commit to, ‘social fitness’ is as well.
Good relationships need attention.
Here are a few steps you can take today to strengthen your existing relationships or make new social connections.
Take the initiative. Reach out to a friend or colleague. Don’t sit back and wait for others to reach out to you. Invite someone to meet you for coffee. Make time and make others a priority.
Establish routines with those who are most important to you.
Meet a friend for lunch each week or schedule a weekly dinner with a family member. Plan a walk or a workout with a friend if you enjoy being active.
Strengthen long-standing relationships (particularly those you live with).
Step out of your comfort zone and break the routines that may stifle your relationships. Do something new or different together.
If you want to make new connections, try meeting others with shared interests: join a book club, bring your dog to a local dog park, or volunteer at a community organization. Look for activities or events that are meaningful to you. You’ll likely find much to discuss with people you’ve never met.
Start small if you are anxious about joining new groups or organizations. Begin by getting more comfortable starting quick, casual conversations. When you pick up your coffee, speak with the person who takes your order. Grabbing groceries after work- talk with the cashier about an ingredient you’re buying.
Just as physical exercise works new muscles, initiating social contact is an exercise that helps build your ‘connection muscle.’ The more you do it, the easier it gets.
I’ve experienced social anxiety and understand how difficult it can be to initiate contact or join new groups. I wrote about my experience if you’d like to read more.
Still struggling with where to start? Consider these ideas:
When you think something nice about someone, let them know!
Tell your loved ones what you appreciate about them and remind them frequently.
Missing old friends? Plan that get-together today.
Longing to make new connections? Speak to one person you meet throughout your day (at the gym, waiting in line at Starbucks, walking your dog).
For now, choose just one step and commit to it.
Call or text someone you’ve been thinking about or missing. Tell them you’d like to meet or reconnect.
Small actions can lead to ripple effects that build relationships and overall well-being.
Relationships impact your health.
The strength and quality of your relationships directly impact your physical health as you age.
In fact, according to Waldinger, relationship satisfaction was a better predictor of health at age 80 than cholesterol, blood pressure, or any other health marker tracked by the study!
Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, and we can all learn to build and strengthen them.
Thank you for being a part of The Power of Change, and welcome to the new subscribers who joined this past week. I’m so grateful for your support and thrilled you’re here.
If you enjoyed this post, please click the ❤️ at the end so more people can discover it on Substack. If it resonates with you, drop me a note and let me know how. And, of course, if someone you know could benefit from reading this, please share it with them. 🙏🏻
Until next week, be mindful and stay safe.
Thanks for the insight on the importance of our social connections and the reference to the Wadlinger TED talk. He closes his talk with a fitting quote from Mark Twain, “There isn’t time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.”
Excellent article and advice.
Afterall we are social beings; we need the connection.