The Power of Forgetting
Psychology has it wrong.
If you’ve experienced trauma or abuse, psychology will have you believe that the path forward includes forgiveness.
I disagree.
I’m writing about this today because earlier this week, I read an article about forgiveness that struck a chord and led me to do some research. Something didn’t seem right. When I get that feeling, I research.
I found an overwhelming number of articles discussing the benefits of forgiveness; the necessity to forgive to be physically and mentally healthy and lead a happy life. The more I read, the more I questioned.
I don’t have a medical degree or a Ph.D., but as someone who has experienced trauma and has been on the other side of a medical debate, I have my experience, and I know this is false.
I don’t believe forgiveness is necessary.
I believe in letting go and forgetting.
It’s far more empowering and puts the person who has experienced the trauma in the driver’s seat, where they should be.
I continued to read, and I questioned some more.
It brought to mind another false narrative widely held:
FALSE: Lyme disease is easy to treat and nothing to worry about.
This dangerous narrative has prevailed for more than three decades due to politics and greed. It’s a narrative that has led millions of people to become ill with Chronic Lyme Disease, a disabling condition for which there is no cure. It has ruined lives. It has taken lives.
So why is psychology pushing a narrative that places the burden on a victim? Has new information been revealed that would disrupt the field of psychology? Could it call into question research that has been touted as certain? I don’t have the answers yet, but I’m sure there is more to this story.
In the meantime, my intuition led me to question a relatively benign article written by a wife and a psychologist who had forgiven her husband for an affair, his announcement that he wanted a divorce, and the end of a thirty-year marriage. She forgave him as a way to move forward.
I read dozens of articles a day. It’s part of my research as a writer. If something resonates, I comment or reach out to the author. Writers like to know they’ve connected with their readers.
I commented on the author’s article and provided feedback. I didn’t receive a response from the author, but I received several comments from other readers supporting my position. My comment questioned the approach of forgiveness and suggested an alternative. It reinforced my questions.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against psychology. Quite the contrary. I believe there is a time and a place for professional help and therapy. I’ve benefited from it, but I do not subscribe to the idea that false narratives should be blindly followed because they are widely held.
Suggesting that forgiveness is necessary to move forward after trauma is one viewpoint. I have another.
It’s Possible NOT To Forgive And Move Forward In One’s Life.
It may not be the politically correct viewpoint or in line with one’s spiritual or religious beliefs, but without forgiveness, one can move on and live a happy, healthy life.
However, here’s a sampling of what I found about forgiveness:
From Psychology Today:
From Harvard School of Public Health:
Dr. Tyler Vander Weele, co-director of the Initiative on Health, Religion, and Spirituality at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, adds:
From Positive Psychology:
Positive Psychology makes a key point by linking forgiveness with letting go.
Letting Go: An Alternative to Forgiveness
Letting go means forgetting or not caring about something. Letting go of a traumatic event removes the significance of the event or offending party. It becomes a non-entity. They cease to exist.
If something doesn’t exist, you can’t focus on it.
But more importantly, by forgetting and removing the thoughts of a traumatic event, you also remove any power an event or person previously held over you. This is a critical part of overcoming trauma.
By reclaiming your power, you can move forward in a way you see fit. The process isn’t easy, but it’s one you control, and that’s essential.
The burden to forgive should not be on the person that experienced trauma.
Doing so asks the offended person to do the work while the offending party assumes no responsibility and is let off the hook. If there’s been no attempt at remorse, this is even more challenging and more burdensome for the person who endured the trauma in the first place.
Maybe I’m missing something, but I’ve spent years transforming my life in meaningful ways despite the trauma inflicted by others. I’ve accomplished this in various ways, many of which I’ve previously written about.
Forgiveness was not one of them. It is one I contemplated, but I purposefully chose not to use it.
Instead, I harnessed the power I had to overcome adversity.
We all have this power, even if we’re unaware. It’s a power, once unlocked, offers a path to healing.
By giving that power to someone who has inflicted pain and trauma, what’s left for you to use moving forward?
Psychology has it wrong. The Infectious Disease Society of America has it wrong.
You can live a happy, healthy life without forgiveness. You can also become chronically ill from Lyme disease.
Master Your Monday
A mindful tip to help you start the week.
Your path is at your feet whether you realize it or not.
-Agnes Martin
Painter Agnes Martin’s path zigzagged between the three places that most inspired her work: her native Saskatchewan, the New Mexico desert, and New York City. She made her first pieces near Taos, inspired both by the desert and the Canadian prairies of her home. It wasn’t until she moved to New York in the late 1950s that she developed her signature abstract style. When Martin left the city after a decade, she returned to New Mexico, and her work from the 1970s onward reflected the landscape she clearly loved so much. Martin’s journey encourages us to trust our intuition as we make decisions — that inner compass is often our best guide for moving forward.
Vision For You
A thought, idea, image, or belief that will help you create a vision for your life.
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I like the idea of letting go. Yes, you can forgive, but if you don't forget, you are still trap!